The Better Man’s guide to the office bathroom.

Are you the guy that pees next to other people in the urinal line? These rules will break you free from the office rumor mill as the guy who was raised by coyotes.

Do NOT pee next to someone else at the urinals – Let’s just get this one out if the way first. If you’ve never heard this, you’ve been living out in the sticks peeing on the hundred year old pine out back. Please stop crowding people at the urinals. Here’s the basic idea. Out of five urinals, 1, 3, and 5 are used commonly. 2 and 4 are strictly decoration.


Do NOT poop when someone else is in the bathroom – unless the person is in the stall next to you dropping a deuce, in which case make a symphony together. But for the love of God, give the guy at the urinal thirty seconds to make an escape.

Do NOT talk to anybody – Anything other than a slight head nod at the sinks while you wash your hands is considered an act of aggression and will be dealt with accordingly.

Do courtesy flush – Guess what? You’re stinking up the bathroom. The poor bloke who has no idea you’re busy melting tar is going to walk into a room full of teargas. Do everyone a favor and send it away early.

Do wash your hands – and not that quick dip in the water and rub off on a paper towel (you know who you are). Clean the grossness off your fingernails.

Do roll up your sleeves – You don’t want to run into the boss later and after a firm handshake be asked “What’s on your sleeve? Did you have a brownie for lunch? What’s that smell?” Goodbye promotion hello unemployment line.

Got any more tips for the bathroom? Leave em in the comments.




9 responses to “The Better Man’s guide to the office bathroom.

  1. Guys seriously need a manual to use the bathroom….feminization at its finest. Keep up the good work and info.

  2. Haha I loved this post!

    I’m totally that guy that will use the urinal right beside you… It’s not that I don’t understand or haven’t heard of these rules before – but rather, people’s awkwardness is funny to me.

  3. I must also add that if mean are going to wizz in the stall that they need to lift the lid and if they’re going to a number 2, use the free toilet seat covers. They’re free, and keeps things off the seat that I don’t want to see when you leave.

  4. Will we ever find the person responsible for collateral damaging shotgun blasts all over the inside of the bowl where even a flush can’t reach? Ugh! Still a mystery at my place of work. Who the hell does that? and how???

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